So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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