it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
