the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
