It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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