there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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