1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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