My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
