Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's shark week go big or go home
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
