I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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