I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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