I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
