i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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