Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
