sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
