Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
