I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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