My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
