Did you just see the Batmobile???
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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