mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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