the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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