Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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