We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
