You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
