Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
