My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
