babies were throwing up all over the place
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
