he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
