She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
