i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
