Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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