i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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