I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
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My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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