just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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