Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
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i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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