Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
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I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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