Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
