I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize