I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
