So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
