i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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