Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
