if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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