maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
