The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
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Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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