I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
