he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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