i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
