I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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