You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
