...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
