just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
