im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Less talking, more tequila
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
