haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
