I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
